I am fucking surprised with people. They are so full of hope and uncertainty, doing tarot readings like: does he love me, what does he think about us? Birth chart readings: what will happen in the month of October, am I moving out… etc., etc.

I can’t lie, I am kind of glad to be out of this because there is literally nothing outside of me that is a decider of my fate and my certitude. On the other hand, I feel like I want to strangle myself from how separate I am from every single thing in this life, and every single thing that I supposedly like.

I guess you can say I am depressed. However, it doesn’t feel depressing; it just feels like a slow shutdown from the world and everything that allegedly makes us alive.

I don’t suffer from people, well, maybe a little. I don’t feel that I am able to connect with others in a way that I desire, or in the way that I had always believed. I feel so alone, yet not because others rejected me, but rather, I have rejected everything that is the norm for human interaction.

I don’t blame the world, or myself, especially myself, for I watch the world and I cannot choose anything because nothing is appealing enough to choose. That is where my suffering begins. From myself first, for being so indifferent to what everyone else is doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to have fun, I like to enjoy life, but I wouldn’t say that is the meaning of my life. I get bored and weary on vacations and wish to be in my disgusting home questioning things and my existence. I also get bored of being inside my room, doing my routines and my unanswered questions.

It’s a loop, a weird loop of dissatisfaction. If we had chosen our experience, then I had chosen one with a peculiar sense of anguish, where I search for things that may not exist, not even within myself. Where I expect life to be other than it is.

No one granted heaven on earth; that is where I am confused. I expect my life to be some sort of fairytale, but I cling to the harsh reality of anguish.

I’m paradoxical, I am biased. I defend a life I could have whilst escaping the one I am already inside.

The oracle speaks again: So what? Why are you complicating it? Even if you were paradoxical, why not just live your paradoxes?

You don’t get, I am unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and I don’t know how to fulfil myself. These inner conflicts are making me insane, indecisive, frozen in a loop of nothingness.

Perhaps it isn’t the conflict itself that paralyzes you, but rather, your own perception of it. You look down on those who chase pleasures, who seemingly put on a mask, yet you yourself wear a mask of loyalty to your sufferings. As if choosing to be something other than paradoxical threatens your beliefs.

And what those might be?

That you don’t deserve mindfulness unless you are perfect, unless those contradictions make perfect sense. Jumping into another societal norm after the other.

You protest, you rebel against everything that holds you back in society, yet you guilt yourself into following another’s beliefs as your own.

I don’t know what I believe in, I don’t suppose myself of believing in anything, not even you.

Oh, but you do, you believe in me just as much you believe you have to perform for love. To be perfect in order to be loved, to do everything by yourself as you play the role of God.

I am god in a way, every individual is their own god. But a human cannot be God, another contradiction.

It is another contradiction, or is it simply trying to be right? Trying to rid others of their divinity, in consequence negating your own.

So where is this going? I don’t understand. Are telling me that I am wrong, or right?

I am telling you that it doesn’t matter if you were right or wrong. However, if you are feeling miserable, then it’s probably unnecessary. It isn’t validation what matters, but serenity.